My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
