Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Randomize
