So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
