First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
