I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
