carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
