Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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