sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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