cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I will pee on everything he values.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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