Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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