Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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