it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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