God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
