In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
