Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
