I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
