Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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