my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
