Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
