they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
