in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
