You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
