My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You have to summon your inner elephant
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
