We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
she peed on how many people?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
