If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
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