I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
