My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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