I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We had sex on a dog bed..
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
