you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
