I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
