I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
