i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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