Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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