I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
