i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
