You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
