he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
