the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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