she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
