When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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