he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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