I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
