Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
