my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
