I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
