I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
