If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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