I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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