I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
