Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
